


A Forksummer Night's Dream

by mrstrentreznor



Category: Midsummer Night's Dream - Shakespeare, Twilight Series - Stephenie Meyer
Genre: Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-03-05
Updated: 2014-03-05
Packaged: 2018-01-14 15:23:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 17,020
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1271437
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mrstrentreznor/pseuds/mrstrentreznor
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A Midsummer Night's Dream meets Twilight. Or maybe Shakespeare humps twilight? My witty and erudite crossover fic. M for language. Two guys in love with the same girl, a forest, wolves and creatures of the night. A Xmas gift to my beta ban sidhe/ruadh sidhe</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Act 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [ban_sidhe](https://archiveofourown.org/users/ban_sidhe/gifts).



**A Forksummer Night's Dream**

* * *

**Persons Represented.**

Billy THESEUS, Duke of Athens.

Charlie EGEUS, Father to Hermia.

Jacob LYSANDER, in love with Hermia.

Edward DEMETRIUS, in love with Hermia.

Old Quil PHILOSTRATE, Master of the Revels to Theseus.

Sam QUINCE, the Carpenter.

Seth SNUG, the Joiner.

Quil BOTTOM, the Weaver.

Embry FLUTE, the Bellows-mender.

Paul SNOUT, the Tinker.

Jared STARVELING, the Tailor.

Tiffany Call HIPPOLYTA, Queen of the Amazons, betrothed to Theseus.

Bella HERMIA, daughter to Egeus, in love with Lysander.

Leah HELENA, in love with Demetrius.

Carlisle OBERON, King of the Fairies, the creatures of the night.

Esme TITANIA, Queen of the Fairies.

Alice PUCK, or ROBIN GOODFELLOW, a Fairy.

Rosalie PEASBLOSSOM, Fairy.

Tanya COBWEB, Fairy.

Jasper MOTH, Fairy.

Emmett MUSTARDSEED, Fairy.

PYRAMUS, THISBE, WALL, MOONSHINE, LION } Characters in the Interlude performed by the Clowns/PACK.

**AN: A while ago my beta challenged me to write a crossover Shakespeare Twilight fic. She wanted a Midsummer night's dream in particular. It had a bit of merit as there are two guys in love with the same girl, groups of people, a mismatched marriage, wolves and creatures of the night.**

_Disclaimer: the characters and all recognisable situations belong to Stephenie Meyer or William Shakespeare - this is a work of fan fiction, except for the legends and histories of the Quileute that, of course, belong to them. I pay my respects to their gods._

_Thanks to BanSidhe [ruadh sidhe] and Feebes86 for betaing and pre-reading._

* * *

**SCENE: La Push, and a wood not far from it.**

**ACT I.**

**La Push. A room in the Palace of THESEUS. Aka Billy Black's kitchen**

Enter Billy, Tiffany and old Quil.

"Four days until we get married Tiffany! It'll be the new moon then. I am so excited; I swear the last few days seem to be moving so slowly. You make me feel like a young man again."

She bent down to kiss him as he sat in his wheelchair.

"I've been watching it too. I know just what you mean. I worry that these four days will go so fast. The days seem so long, but the nights pass quickly. I seem to be dreaming all the time; as soon as my head hits the pillow and then the alarm is going off." She kissed him again and squeezed one of his wide shoulders. "I too will be pleased to see the thin new moon on the night of our wedding. Such a great idea to get married at night!"

"Old Quil, I have a job for you: I want you to get the wolf pack to organise some bonfires. This is a time of celebration. Those boys can organise a party at the drop of a hat. This won't be any trouble for them."

"I'll speak to Sam." Old Quil left.

Billy looked at his bride to be. "Oh Tiffany. I know I won your heart a long time ago and I am sorry it has taken so long for us to be together. But I promise that the unhappy recent years will be forgotten when we marry with the biggest party the rez has seen for a while."

A car door slammed. Charlie, Bella, Jacob and Edward knocked; calling out as they let themselves into the tiny home. Billy frowned, but the vampires had renegotiated the treaty after some debate between Bella Jacob and Edward. Each man professed to be in love with the tiny brunette.

"Hey chief," Charlie greeted his best friend. "How's it going?"

"Excellent Charlie! And you? How's it hanging?"

Charlie blinked. "What the?"

"New lingo. I'm down with the kids you know, Charlie."

"Uh huh."

"Whassup?" Billy asked again. Jake snorted. Bella covered a smile. Edward looked perplexed. He was never very good with jargon and language changes.

"Bella is trying to make me crazy," Charlie announced.

"She is?" Billy checked.

"Yes… Edward," he waved a hand at him and the tousle headed youth stepped forward meekly. "Edward wants to marry her. But this boy," he pointed at Jacob now. " **He**  is causing problems."

Billy raised an eyebrow and studied his son.

Charlie continued, "Last night I caught him climbing in her window. Her _bedroom_ window," he emphasised.

"Did you shoot him?"

"No out of respect for you."

"Okay… next time just fire."

"Noted. But in any case, Jake here has been giving Bella little gifts; hand made bracelets woven from his hair with little wooden wolves attached to them. He writes her these awful love notes. I mean they are awful in that they are just half scribbled out mostly and his writing is appalling… I suppose the content is heartfelt but she is eating it up. And I've given my permission for her to marry Edward Cullen. She can't behave like this! And I  **know**  she led Edward on for months. He's even given her his mother's engagement ring. And she wears it, so she has accepted the reality of the arrangement. My civic reputation is at stake. If the mayor loses popularity points because of the way she is behaving, it'll cost me my job. No one has faith in a police chief who can't control his own daughter! If she can't choose which one she wants, then I, as her father, should get the final say. This double dating 'oh I love them both' thing has to stop. She  **has**  to marry Edward or she can go back to Florida and live with her mother; I'm not putting up with this shit anymore."

[AN: in the play she was to be put to death or sent to a nunnery; Florida… same difference]

Billy looked thoughtful. "Bella?" he asked. "Your father is right. You are his daughter and you should respect his opinion. He has chosen wisely for you with Edward and you yourself said that you love him."

"But I love Jacob too," she stated.

"True, but if you love them both and cannot decide, then perhaps you should let your father choose for you. He is older and wiser and his choice should also be yours."

"But I can only see Jacob now," she whispered. "He's sort of beautiful. I wish Dad could see that."

"Looks aren't important here, your father's judgment is."

"I'm sorry Billy. I know I am usually meek and mild and not argumentative at all. But you can't agree to send me to Florida! That's a fate worse than death! To have to live with my mother again."

"It's Florida… or a nunnery. If you are having such man troubles at such an early age it might be better if you became a nun. Won't have to deal with men again, you'll be a bride of Christ. You can sing can't you? They sing a lot of hymns I heard." He gave each boy a withering glance. "And from the looks of it, you're still a virgin…" Edward looked horrified. Jake blushed. Bella made a startled squeak noise. "Better and better; to grow, live and die in a virgin state. It's the highest level of blessing for a nun. They'll grab you; an eighteen year old virgin in La Push. Those are pretty rare, you know."

"What?" Bella protested. "I can't even get Edward to  _kiss_  me properly. I've got no hope of losing my virginity to him. I refuse to be married as a virgin and to  **him** … what if he's a dud fuck? He's a 106 years old for goodness' sake. And my soul will be in peril if I marry him." She leaned forward and whispered, "He wants to make me a vampire you know. I shouldn't be an eternal virgin… what if my hymen keeps growing back?"

Billy sighed. "Four days. You have until the next new moon to think about it. When Tiffany and I are getting married. On that day you will tell your decision; marry Edward or go to a nunnery. And remember he's rich; nuns are poor. A life of austerity awaits you."

"Why the new moon?" she asked.

"I don't know, but it sounds good don't you think? It would make a good book title."

Edward spoke, his cultured tone sounding superior. "You are mine Isabella," he announced. "Cease and desist, Jacob!" He glared at the taller boy. "You are insane if you think you can win this battle."

Jacob scoffed, "If Charlie has the hots for you so badly, Edward, why doesn't  **he**  marry you?"

"Hey Jake," Charlie blustered. "I can't speak for Edward but I'm not inclined that way at all." He studied the marble skinned youth. "Although the hair is kind of a give away isn't it." He frowned. "But in any case, I've made my decision. I'm choosing the money. Oops sorry, I meant I'm choosing Edward as Bella's husband."

"Hey," Jake argued. "I'm as pretty as he is in a hunky, muscular body like a god kind of way. Pasty white boy here has nothing on me in the looks department. I have heritage and tradition on my side. My people have been here for thousands of years. He just  _seems_  like he's a thousand years old. I may be poor, but the biggest thing in my favour is that I love Bella." He glared at Edward. "And maybe I shouldn't say this, but… the last time I was on patrol I heard him."

"Heard him?" Charlie checked.

"The Wolf mind is shared," Billy explained. "They can hear the thoughts of others when in wolf form."

"But Edward isn't a wolf," Charlie pointed out.

"No," interrupted Jake. "But Leah is."

"Leah?" Bella gasped. "What were you doing with Leah?"

"Don't listen to him love," Edward pleaded.

"It sounded to me like they were..." He stopped suddenly and turned to Bella. "I'm sorry honey. I should have told you. I hate you to find out like this."

"W-What were they doing?" she whispered.

"Fucking," Jake baldly stated.

"What?" She turned on her fiancée. "You bastard! You told me you were saving yourself until marriage. You lying, cheating wretch!"

Edward looked caught out. "I was weak, it won't happen again."

"With Leah?"

"I had heard that rumour," Billy said. "I had forgotten it. I thought they must have meant Paul and Leah not Edward and Leah." He shook his head. "In any case, Charlie, Edward, I want to talk to you both privately." He glanced back at the fuming Bella. "You have a decision to make young lady. Edward or Christ; those are your choices. Come out on the front porch you two. Tiffany, do you mind pushing my chair?"

"Of course not sweetie."

Jake and Bella were left alone.

"Bells? Are you okay? I've never seen anyone go white with anger before."

"I am so angry, I feel like crying."

"Oh honey, don't worry about it. What's that old saying? The course of true love never did run smooth. They say I'm a native American-"

"-and I'm a hokwat a white girl," she said

"And I'm too young to know who I want to spend the rest of my life with."

"Yes, and I am older than you now."

"And the pack won't be happy," Jake finished.

"I know. But to have my father choose my husband? Ewww."

"His eyes have been blinded by the credit cards of the Cullens. The sparkling of them all has bewitched him somehow. Charlie isn't usually like that. He's just reaching suddenly for the shiny pretty things before they disappear from his view."

Bella sighed. "If we really love each other Jake, maybe we have to be patient. A lot of people have to wait for a little while before they get married and you are still young. We have plenty of time for thoughts, dreams, wishes and sighs."

"Jeez, Bells. Not if Charlie sends you to a nunnery, we won't." He hugged her in against him in one of his trademark rib crusher hugs. "I've got a rich aunt. She lives in Seattle. She and Billy don't get on. I have kept in touch with her and I told her about you. She said she would leave me everything she has in her will. We could run away and get married there. We have to do it soon though; tomorrow night. Will that give you time to pack?"

She smiled tentatively at him and nodded.

"I'll meet you in that clearing behind your house… you know the one where Leah and I met you once on pack business? You know the one I mean?" He kissed her quickly. "I'll wait for you there."

"Oh Jake," she sighed. "I promise by every promise ever made, that I will meet you there and go with you. We will run away together."

"Good. Can't wait." He bent down as if to kiss her again, then his head shifted. "Leah's coming," he growled.

Leah barrelled in the door slamming it behind her.

"Hey Leah," Bella greeted her; determined to give nothing away of their hopeful plans. She and Leah had become friends recently.

"What the fuck, Swan?" Leah barked at her.

"You look good," Bella tried.

Leah's eyes narrowed. "Not good enough for Eddie though, eh? He just goes on and on about your big brown doe-like eyes. The sweetness of your voice. And how adorably clumsy you are. So are you telling me that if I behaved like you? Sounded like you? Fell over and hurt myself all the time like you, that he might love  **me**  more than you?"

"I don't  **want**  to marry him. You can have him. But he keeps insisting."

"Yeah. I heard. Still trying even though you refuse him." She shook her head. "I don't get it. Is it the trying hard to get thing? Or is that because he's made of stone it takes him a while to change?"

"I cursed him and he still said he loved me."

"I get sex but not love."

"The more I tell him to leave me alone, the more he follows me around." Bella looked momentarily horrified. "He watches me  **sleep**!" she blurted out.

"If I try too hard, he pulls away form me," Leah argued.

"If he's too stupid to see how beautiful you are Leah that is his problem, not yours."

"I wish I was like you," Leah breathed. "Then he would love me."

Bella resisted pointing out that he would still be in love with her on Leah's outside.

"Jake and I are running away…" she ignored the frantic waving of Jake behind Leah. "So when I'm not around, he'll take more notice of you. … probably. … maybe." She beamed at Jake. "Once I really  _saw_  Jake … when he took his shirt off and I saw that body… I mean he has some kind of gift to make rainy old Forks seem as hot as hell."

"Honestly, Leah," Jake added resigning himself to Bella already having blown the secret. "Middle of tomorrow night, we are out of here."

"Yes," Bella sighed dreamily. "We are going to meet in that clearing. The one where you and I used to lie in the wildflowers and have girl talks. And then we have places to go and new friends to make, because I won't be coming back here again." She looked at her friend and held her hand. "Look Leah, if you want Edward, I really hope that it works out for you. But can you keep this a secret? For us? It's probably best that Jake and I not be together before then, just so we don't give anything away."

"Dammit Bells. You're right." He kissed her quickly. "You need to go, I can hear Charlie's patrol car starting up."

Bella left with a final longing glance at Jake. Leah rolled her eyes.

"Leah I heard you two fucking. Edward seriously has the hots for you. You've got nothing to worry about. I think it's just that whole vampire werewolf issue. I'm on patrol now. See you later." He punched her in the top of the arm and loped out the door.

Leah sighed. "Maybe, but I don't look like  _her_. His fragile, delicate little… 'singer' what the fuckever that is. Everyone tells me I'm beautiful or striking, that's the word they usually use. They don't mean pretty; not like her. He keeps going on about her and I let him do it. I'm so in love with him I am behaving like a child. And I was there first! He told me he loved me a long time ago. Before Bella ever moved to Forks. He promised me. He said we just couldn't be public; because of the treaty. And I believed him. She melted his stone cold heart. So I'm the queen bitch. I'm going to tell him his little singer is swanning off with wolf boy. And once he gets over her betrayal; he'll be mine again." She looked oddly pleased with herself. "Yep, that'll work!"

* * *

**Scene 2**

**La Push Sam's house.**

The pack except for Jake and Leah were assembled in Sam's living room; their usual haunt for pack meetings.

Sam spoke, "Is everyone here?"

"Jeez Sam, why don't you call the roll?" muttered Quil.

Sam ignored him. "For some reason known only to old Quil, he has insisted that we do a play for Billy's wedding."

"What play?" asked Quil.

"Some ancient thing called 'the death of Pyramus and Thisbe'," Sam grunted. "Personally I think he's been getting into the mushrooms or the herbal tea again." He raised both eyebrows. Paul snorted.

"Does anyone know the story?" Sam asked.

"Oh I do," Seth answered enthusiastically. The whole pack rolled its eyes.

Seth either ignored them or failed to notice the looks they gave him. "It's a story of forbidden romance," he whispered. "The play upon which such classics as Romeo and Juliet are based. The two Roman lovers fall in love through a hole in the wall between their two houses…"

"I fell in love with Nancy Smithton after making a hole in her wall," Paul announced.

"… they arrange to meet at a famous tomb," Seth blithely continued. "But she arrives early and is attacked by a lion. She runs away and when he arrives, he sees her bloodstained scarf and thinks she is dead. He falls on his sword, and when she comes back she sees he is dead and she kills herself with his sword. Their blood stains the white berries on the mulberry tree. And in remembrance of their deaths, the gods changed the mulberry fruit to red, to forever honour their forbidden love." Seth looked dreamily up at the ceiling.

"So that explains why mulberry stains are so hard to shift, then," Jared stated.

"Okay, so who plays which part?" Quil asked.

Sam frowned. "He's given me a list." He pulled out a piece of paper. "He was right weird about it."

"Come on Sam, who gets the lead," Paul asked. "It should be me right; the  **lover**."

"Nope," said Sam. "He's got Quil for Pyramus."

"Quil? He's mated to a three year old," Paul blustered.

"Fuck you, Lahote," Quil defended his imprint. "Clearly I  _am_  the right person for this role; it's a tragedy."

"Imprinting on a three year old  **is**  a tragedy," muttered Paul.

Quil heard him and growled at him.

"Give it up guys," pleaded Sam.

"I can act," Quil argued. "Listen to this:

_The raging rocks_

_And shivering shocks_

_Shall break the locks_

_Of prison gates:_

_And Phibbus' car_

_Shall shine from far,_

_And make and mar_

_The foolish Fates."_

The pack stared at him.

"What the fuck, Quil!" Jared said. "Where on earth did that come from?"

"See! I'm a natural," Quil looked pleased with himself. "So who plays the girl? Leah?"

Sam growled at him now. He checked the paper and grinned. "Nope. Embry does."

"What? Why am I the girl?" Embry wailed.

Paul snorted again. "'cause you wail like one, Em."

"I can't play a woman," Embry argued. "Look I need a shave." He pointed at his chin.

Sam studied it. "Even with my eyes, I can't see anything Embry. Not one whisker. You're the girl." Sam gave him another look when he continued to protest. "Don't make me alpha order you."

"Fine," Embry huffed.

"See. Girl," said Paul to Jared. "Fine is such a girl word."

"Shut up, Lahote," Embry spat at him.

"I'll do it!" offered Quil.

"Do what?" Sam asked.

"Play the girl as well. See I can do a good girl voice." He shifted his tone to a high quaver, "Oh Pyramus it is your Thisbe," he squeaked.

"Jesus!" said Sam. "NO. Embry you're Thisbe. Quil you're Pyramus."

"If you insist," Quil agreed. "Who's next?"

"Jared. You're Thisbe's mother," Sam stated. Jared opened his mouth to argue, but Sam gave him such a fierce look he just quickly shut his mouth. "Paul, you're his father and I am Thisbe's father."

"Ohhh so you're married to Jared," suggested Quil.

Another glare from Sam.

"What part do I get?" asked Seth.

"You…" Sam checked the paper again. "You're the lion."

"The lion?" queried Seth.

"The lion," repeated Sam.

"Does it have a speaking part?" Seth asked.

"Nope. Just roaring."

"You can learn those lines quickly, eh Seth?" teased Paul.

"I'd make a good lion," suggested Quil. "I'd be so good that Billy would ask me to roar again."

"You'd probably roar too loud and scare the fuck out of the bride," Sam stated. "And Billy would neuter us all."

"Oh yeah," the pack chorused.

"I can roar quietly," argued Quil.

"What the fuck, Quil. Give it up. You can't play all the roles. You're the hero. Aren't you happy with the lead role? It's the one your grandfather wants you to play," Sam argued.

"All right but I need a beard."

"A what?" Sam spluttered.

"I think a nice blond beard would look good," Quil continued.

"NO!"

Quil huffed and folded his arms.

"Okay. We are not practicing here. Emily will laugh so hard, she'll dislocate something. We will go to that clearing in the woods. The one near the rez. And for Christ's sake, bring some pants. We are not doing rehearsal bare arsed."

"Got it!" Quil said. "Not naked. Clearing. Rehearsal. I'm good."

 


	2. Act 2

**ACT 2 Scene I**

* * *

**A wood near Forks.**

Alice skipped through the forest in her usual light fashion. It was night and she loved the way the forest came alive after the sun went down. She was entranced by the visions she had seen of the future. She was also rather keen on her new skill she had discovered recently. She could cast spells.

She was sincerely hoping to use one on their parents. For the first time in decades, Carlisle and Esme were fighting.

She saw a figure moving through the wood.

"Hello?" she called to it. "Where are you going?"

It was Jasper. He took her lack of recognition of him in his usual stride. "I was waiting for you," he told her.

" _Over hill, over dale,_

_Thorough bush, thorough brier,_

_Over park, over pale,_

_Thorough flood, thorough fire,_

_I do wander everywhere,_

_Swifter than the moon's sphere;_

_And I serve the fairy queen,_

_To dew her orbs upon the green._

_The cowslips tall her pensioners be:_

_In their gold coats spots you see;_

_Those be rubies, fairy favours,_

_In those freckles live their savours;_

_I must go seek some dew-drops here,_

_And hang a pearl in every cowslip's ear._

_Farewell, thou lob of spirits; I'll be gone:_

_Our queen and all her elves come here anon."_

Alice blinked at him. "Esme still pissed?" she asked.

"You got that right darlin'," he drawled. "I'm getting out of the house for a walk In the forest."

"Well," said Alice. "The king, Carlisle, will be back tonight. But I have seen that if they meet it will not be good."

"She  **has**  taken up with Nahuel that South American hybrid, the one she met on her last trip to Isle Esme."

"Yes, daddy does not approve."

"Only because he wants him for himself," noted Jasper. "Her precious elves have been hiding them both from him. By that I mean us; we've been intercepting his calls 'n all so he don't catch them in the act." He gave her an affectionate glance. "So what mischief have you been up to my puckish pixie?"

"Oh you know," she shrugged. "Frightening maids; telling housewives' their fortunes. Visiting the Denali clan with Carlisle."

Jasper nodded.

"Oh no," breathed Alice as her eyes went glassy; her usual symptom when she was having a vision of the future. "Dammit," she swore. "Carlisle."

"And Esme," stated Jasper.

Esme entered the clearing, followed by Rosalie, Emmett and Tanya Denali.

"Oh no. That was poor timing," Carlisle stated. "Still self important Esme?" he asked.

"Still jealous, Carlisle?" she asked him. She whispered to the others. "Let's go. I am  **not**  having sex with him."

"No." Carlisle called. "Am I not respectively your husband and your father?"

Esme rolled her eyes, but she stopped walking away from him. "Yes, we are still married. Even though you have not been living with us and I hear that you have been in Alaska." She inclined her head towards Tanya. "Speaking words of love to one you have taken as a mistress; the lovely Irina."

When Carlisle didn't react, she continued. "Or have you travelled all the way from Alaska, to witness the marriage of your last mistress to Billy Black? Hmmm?"

Carlisle sighed. "Yes the Viagra I got him did have an entirely unexpected side effect. How was I to know that he would start bedding every single woman on the rez? He argued the treaty at me; I had to let Tiffany go. And after that blow up with Joy Ateara, Allison Uley and his attempted dating of Sue Clearwater… letting him marry Tiffany solved all the problems."

"Jealousy… a very human emotion," she hissed at him. "Well," she huffed. "While you were away things have got very messy indeed. That new registrar at the hospital is hopeless; your new secretary filed all your paper work incorrectly. Edward has been behaving like a love struck fool. He's been stalking that Swan girl. Lurking in her room at night and behaving like a serial killer. Plus, he's been having sex with that werewolf girl. He comes home reeking of wet dog and trails mud all through the house, after I just replaced the carpets in an exquisite cream shag. I spent a small fortune on your crooked lawyer Mr J Jenks, getting new identity papers for the Swan girl that Edward insists on marrying and now she says she doesn't want  **him**. She's off with a wolf boy too. Plus the whole tribe is behaving very oddly with Billy's wedding coming up. I have no idea what to buy them for a wedding present. And Emmet and Rosalie fucked the wall down on that delightful stone cottage I renovated for Edward and his new bride. The place is derelict now. And you took Alice away with you when I needed to know who was going to win 'America's next top model'. I  _need_  to know before the finals or I get so jumpy…"

Emmett was still smirking about the cottage.

"And it's all your fault!" Esme told Carlisle.

"Our fault," he corrected her and she glared at him again. "Or do you agree that all the fault lies with you because  _you_  won't let me have Nahuel?"

Her eyes narrowed. "I knew his mother. We were friends when she was pregnant. She loved him even though she knew his birth would result in her death." She shifted her shoulders; looking more determined. "For her sake, I will look after him and I will not part with him."

"So how long are you staying here in Forks?" Carlisle asked.

"Just till after the wedding. I accepted the invitation and you know how I am about good manners. Will I see you there? Did you wish to attend together?"

"Lend me Nahuel and I'll be your date."

"Never," she hissed at him. She turned and ran and her 'children' followed her. Jasper waved at Alice, she blew him a kiss and then he followed their fleeing figures.

"Alice? You remember when I heard the mermaids singing?"

"I do."

[AN: I need some way to make the magic love flower, so I have made Alice learn witchcraft.]

"They sang to you of their secrets, didn't they? And you listened and learned. And now you are my very own little cupid aren't you Alice?"

"Yes Carlisle, I can be."

"Hmmm…" he scratched his chin as he was thinking. "I need a potion, Alice. A love potion. A bottling of the essence of cupid and Eros. An ointment perhaps that can be applied to the eyelids of a sleeping victim… yes, that will stop any accidental applications and unforseen consequences. But you, of course, my little Alice, you can always see the consequences so they are not unforseen." He laughed at his own joke.

He clapped his hands. "And it would be extra super special if the ointment made the sleeper fall madly in love with the next living thing they see; not a person mind you Alice, but a 'living thing'. In the forest, that is sure to be unexpected don't you think?"

"Give me forty minutes," Alice said and she skipped off to get brewing. She failed to point out to him that the werewolves caused blank spots in her visions of the future.

Carlisle watched her go and then he started to muse aloud. "Once I have this ointment, I will sneak up on Esme and dab it on her eyelids. And when she wakes up she will fall in love … with a squirrel or a skunk or a mountain lion or a bear." He roared with laughter. "Oh, it'll be so funny. She will pursue the bewildered creature because she will be deeply, deeply in love with it."

He cocked his head. "Someone's coming. I need to hide." He leapt straight up into the air and stood on the lowest branch of a massive red cedar. He watched as Edward and Leah walked into the clearing.

"Leah for the last time, I don't love you. Will you stop following me! I am trying to find Jacob and Isabella. I am going to kill Jacob and take Isabella from him. You told me they were meeting in the forest and for that, I thank you. But I cannot accomplish either task if you keep following me around." He sounded exasperated.

"It's your scent," Leah whimpered. "I have to follow you. It's my imperative as a werewolf. We chase vampires; it's what we do. You stop smelling so good and I'll stop following you."

Edward sighed dramatically. "I speak the truth. I cannot love you."

"Thank you for being so truthful with me, I respect that. It makes me love you more."

Another frustrated noise from Edward.

"Please Edward," she continued. "Do anything you want with me. I don't care… I'll let you tie me up… I will… I'll be your dog Edward. I know you love doggie style."

"Your smell makes me nauseous," he stated. His lip lifted in disgust. "You smell like a wet dog."

"Yours makes me hurl," she confessed. "You smell like carrion candy."

"You are mad to be alone in the forest with me, of all creatures, Leah. Your mortal enemy. If I don't love you, what is to stop me from doing anything to you?" he asked her.

"Your face glows like a silvery moon. You light up my world. You sparkle Edward. I don't think I am alone in the woods. Your sparkle makes me think I am in a disco in Port Angeles. With you," she breathed at him.

"I'll run away from you," he suggested. "Run and hide and you'll never find me."

"I'm a tracker," she pointed out. "I can chase you down even if I do not mean you harm. Chase you like a deer chases a vampire."

"Leave me alone," Edward ordered. "If you follow me… I-I'll hurt you," he threatened.

"Oooh!" Leah crowed. "Really? Again? You've already hammered me in the tribal meeting house, on the bonnet of your Volvo, up against the wall of my mother's house. It's scandalous! At least that's what my mother said." She looked at him with dreamy eyes. "I'll follow you Edward. I'd follow you to Hell and be happy. You could murder me and I'd be happy. Tear me apart with your cute little dainty fangs."

Edward threw up his arms in disgust and ran at vampire speed off into the forest. Leah loped after him easily.

"Goodness," said Carlisle as he dropped out of the tree; landing delicately on his feet. "I wish him well with  _that_  relationship."

He caught sight of Alice skipping towards him. He looked at his watch. "She said forty minutes."

"Done!" she chimed in her tinkling voice.

"Excellent! I know Esme's favourite spot in the forest, where the wild roses grow and the other forest wildflowers. She sleeps there sometimes. Something about being good for her complexion or some such rubbish. I will apply the ointment to her eyelids as she sleeps." He stopped suddenly. "You have an extra amount?" he asked.

"I foresaw the need," she smugly replied. "You want me to apply it to the young man who just passed in the forest?"

"Yes. Good idea. That sounds most amusing." Carlisle ignored Alice's seeming non-recognition of her own brother. She was odd like that sometimes. He shrugged.

* * *

**SCENE II. Another part of the wood.**

**Enter TITANIA, with her Train i.e. Esme with her 'children'**

"Sing me a song!" she ordered. "A lullaby. I want to sleep in the bosom of the forest."

Jasper and Emmett gave each other a look. "Dude," whispered Emmett, "I don't sing."

"If we sing and she sleeps, then we can leave," Jasper pointed out. Jasper used finger apostrophes around sleep; vampires didn't sleep but lately Esme had been pretending that she did. Evidently Nahuel liked to sleep.

Emmett frowned; thinking was never really his strong point. "Oh, okay."

Jasper started singing a southern lullaby 'hush little baby'. Emmett joined in. Rosalie rolled her eyes and folded her arms belligerently across her chest.

"Oh, I know this one…" Tanya said before joining in.

Esme made herself a little nest in amongst the forest ferns.

"All that money on redecorating the damn house," whispered Emmett. "And she sleeps outside."

"Shush," hissed Tanya. "She's falling asleep."

"One stand guard," Esme mumble ordered.

"Fuck that!" hissed Emmett. "Tanya, you want a threesome?" Rosalie actually smirked at that. Tanya smiled at Emmett like he was adorable puppy and reached for Rosalie's hand. The trio ran off together.

Jasper rolled his eyes and strolled nonchalantly away.

Esme snuggled down into her 'nest'.

Carlisle crept in silently with the ointment in his hand. With the skilled hands of a surgeon he gently applied some to her closed eyelids.

He whispered a rhyme as he did it; like a spell.

" _What thou seest when thou dost wake,_

_Do it for thy true-love take;_

_Love and languish for his sake;_

_Be it ounce, or cat, or bear,_

_Pard, or boar with bristled hair,_

_In thy eye that shall appear_

_When thou wak'st, it is thy dear;_

_Wake when some vile thing is near."_

He made a small pleased sound. "Oh that is good," he said to himself. "Vile thing. I like it!" He snuck away.

* * *

**Jacob and Bella entered the clearing.**

"Honestly Bells, are you lost in the forest again!" he sighed heavily. "I reckon you've got me lost too." He did the double eyebrow lift at her. She ignored him. he tried again. "Why don't we lie down for a while, honey?"

"Okay," she agreed. "I think these ferns look comfortable." She pointed to another patch. "You lie over there."

"What? WHY?"

"I know you, Jacob Black. I won't get any sleep at all if you lie down with me."

"But Bells," he argued. "If our hearts are joined in love why can't our bodies be joined too?" he gave her his best puppy dog eyes. "Don't make me sleep by myself," he pleaded. "One heart, two bosoms… it'll work, Bells."

"No Jake. I am  **not**  having sex in the forest. You sleep over there."

He chuckled but obediently went to his appointed spot; after kissing her too well. He no doubt, planned to crawl back to her once she was asleep. He plonked himself down on the ground and closed his eyes. She fussed and moved sticks from underneath her; eyeing Jake's body off while she did so. He did look more comfortable to lie on than the ground. She sighed. She had made her wishes plain and he had obeyed. Eventually she curled herself into a ball and fell asleep. Rumbling snores came from Jake; he had been more tired than he knew and had actually fallen asleep.

Alice tip toed into the clearing. "Oh," she made a small happy noise. "Here they are. You rude boy, letting her sleep on the ground like that. I don't think you love her that much! I will apply the ointment as Carlisle my king requested. You will wake when I am gone."

Edward ran into the clearing clearly looking for somewhere to hide. Leah came running after him

"Wait, Edward, please you're killing me!"

"Will you stop following me!" he pleaded.

"Oh you creature of the night, stay with me," she begged.

"Day walker," he insisted. "Not an ugly vampire like those other batlike creatures. We're pretty and fashionable."

Leah rolled her eyes.

"I'm leaving. Stay! Good dog," he tried.

"Fine," she huffed. She threw herself down onto the forest floor. "I'll just track you later."

Edward looked relieved. "I will hide my trail,' he argued.

"You are a hopeless tracker," Leah stated. "When you were following Victoria you were in the wrong continent. She wasn't in South America. She was here; in North America."

"Oh that is it!" Edward said and stormed off.

Leah watched him go fondly. "I'll get him. A rest might not be such a bad idea. I hope Bella is happy wherever she is. How that girl can attract so much supernatural interest, I just don't understand it. I lost Sam to my own cousin, she takes Edward and now Jake is panting after her like the dog he is. I've looked in my mirror. I AM just as pretty as her. And legs, I've got great legs. And at least I have a decent set of tits." She stopped suddenly and sniffed. "Jake? He's here? Where is he?"

She snuffled around and found him sound asleep with his hands behind his head. It made his biceps bulge spectacularly. She noticed.

She leaned over him. "Not dead, just asleep." She kicked him.

"Fucks's sake," he swore. He opened his eyes and looked at her. He blinked. "Leah." Love saturated his voice.

"What the fuck, Black?"

"Leah… you're gorgeous. I would run through fire for you. And those tits! They are amazing. Why have I never noticed this before?" he looked like he was thinking. "Has Edward touched those tits, Leah? If he has, I'll kill him. And this time he'll  _really_  be dead," he growled.

"You can't kill Edward. Think of the treaty and he loves Bella. You have her, let me have him."

"I have her," he repeated. "I don't want  **her**. I want you! You are my kind Leah. Imagine the awesome wolf sex we could have together. She's all human and breakable. But you and me? I reckon we could fuck for days. It would be amazing… come on Leah!"

"Are you taking the piss, Black? I will kick your ass if you are making fun of me. And what kind of guy are you? Arguing you love Bella; going against everyone for her and then spouting crap like that to  **me**. Get over yourself Jake." She stormed off.

Jake watched her go with adoring eyes. He noticed Bella asleep in the ferns. "Whoa thank goodness she didn't see Bella. Stay asleep little girl. Don't come near me again. It makes me feel sick to my stomach that I even wanted to have sex with you. Now all I can think of is Leah. Leah Leah Leah…oh, maybe I imprinted on her. She's my wolf god appointed mate. My alpha female."

He started to follow Leah's trail. "Leah. I'll be the alpha wolf for you…" he called. "Be my alpha female. You want to see my little alpha? Well not so little. We'll lock together for hours in crazy wolf sex. Leah?"

Bella slumbered on in the fernery. Her body twitched. She was clearly having another nightmare. "Gah!" she cried out. "Jake! I had another bad dream. Lost in the forest again. with that creepy black wolf and you were a red wolf, and you growled at me." She sniffed dramatically. "Wait a second; where is he?" she looked around. "He left me?" She looked around some more. "I really  **am**  lost in the woods.  **Again**! Fuck  **my**  life."

She stood; brushed debris from her clothing and wandered off in the wrong direction. "Jake?" she called as she went.

FF_2154210_ - 21/12/2011 05:10:00 PM


	3. Act 3

**ACT III SCENE I - The Wood - The Queen of Fairies Esme, lying asleep.**

* * *

The wolf pack entered the clearing, mercifully with pants on, to rehearse their play.

"Is everyone here?" Quil asked.

Sam looked around. "Perfect," he said. "That flat part can be the stage; that tree the entrance. We'll do a dress rehearsal. Well, not that we  _have_  costumes… but you know what I mean."

"Sam," interrupted Quil.

"Jeez Quil, what is your problem now?"

"I've been thinking over the play. Why would I use a sword to kill myself? I mean that's gory and scary. I wouldn't want to scare off the little girls in the audience who might be watching." Claire; he was always thinking of Claire.

"Watching you kill yourself might just upset her," snarled Paul. "And then we'll have a hysterical three year old… as well."

"So we leave the killing out?" suggested Jared.

"We can't leave the killing out, that's the whole story," Sam stated.

Quil suggested, "What if we say at the beginning that no one will get hurt. What do they always say? 'Do not attempt this trick at home. The people performing it are highly trained' or something like that. Tell Claire it's me, not Pyramus. And then she won't be frightened."

"I'll write something extra then," Sam sighed.

"What about the scary lion?" Paul asked. "Won't he scare the littlies too?"

They all looked at Seth. He didn't look scary at all.

"He scares me," admitted Jared.

Everyone looked at Jared.

"So we just say he isn't a real lion as well?" suggested Paul.

"If he's wearing a costume, just let him show his face first. Claire knows Seth. She won't be frightened if she sees Seth in the costume first," Quil suggested.

"Fine how do we do the moonlight?" asked Sam. "What phase is the moon in that night?"

"I think it is the new moon isn't it?" suggested Quil.

Sam added, "We can clear a few branches or something, make sure the light gets through to our 'stage'." He scratched his head. "What do we do about the wall? We're in the forest. There aren't any walls."

"Isn't easy to carry a wall into the forest," stated Paul.

Quil brightened. "What if someone plays the wall?" they all looked puzzled. "In the play, they talk through a hole in the wall. So if someone just stands there and pretends to be a wall and holds their hand like this," he made a circle of finger and thumb. "Then, they can say their lines through the wall."

"That will have to do," Sam said. "I'll be damned if I am wasting good timber making a wall."

Alice danced into the clearing behind them. They sniffed suddenly and turned to face her.

"A Cullen," growled Sam before he phased and attacked her.

She bounced in front of him. "A play? Oh what fun! Can I be the audience? Can I Sam, huh?"

Sam rolled his eyes. "If you insist Alice." He pointed at the bank that would do for the audience. "Sit there."

She did. Making happy sounds to herself.

"Okay Quil, you know your lines."

' _Thisbe, the flowers of odious savours sweet,'_  Quil recited.

"Odious?" repeated Sam. "Odour Quil, not odious. Try it again."

Quil dutifully recited,

_'—odours savours sweet:_

_So hath thy breath, my dearest Thisbe dear.—_

_But hark, a voice! Stay thou but here awhile,_

_And by and by I will to thee appear.'_

Quil scratched his head. "This is English, right?"

"It's a very old play," Sam pointed out. "Embry, get your ass over here."

"Do I have to be the girl?" he whined.

"Yes. Shut up. Stand here," Sam ordered.

He stood looking foul and not speaking. Sam waved a hand at him encouragingly.

"What's my line?" Embry asked.

"Pyramus has left the hole to go check out a noise. He'll be back in a minute," Sam explained. "Just say your lines…  **please**."

Embry huffed and recited:

' _Most radiant Pyramus, most lily white of hue,_

_Of colour like the red rose on triumphant brier,_

_Most brisky Juvenal, and eke most lovely Jew,_

_As true as truest horse, that would never tire,_

_I'll meet thee, Pyramus, at Ninny's tomb.'_

"I agree with Quil, this is no language I have ever heard before," Embry grizzled. "And what is with the juvenile?"

"Fits with Quil," Paul snickered.

"No, Juvenal," corrected Alice. "He was a roman poet. He wrote the satires," she added.

They all looked blank. She waved her arms in frustration and followed Quil off into the forest. "I want to try out that new spell," she whispered to herself. "Can I make a wolf into an ass?"

Sam studied his copy of the play. "And it Ninus' tomb Embry, not ninny's and Quil you were supposed to come back at your cue; it was 'never tire' you missed it." He looked up. "Quil?" he called out. "You missed your cue."

Quil came back holding Alice's hand. He now sported a donkey head. Initially nobody noticed.

Embry recited:

_O,'—As true as truest horse, that yet would never tire.'_

Quil responded with:

' _If I were fair, Thisbe, I were only thine:—'_

Sam looked up at him and noticed the change of head. "What the fuck! Run!" he ordered. The whole pack, except for Quil dashed off into the forest at lightning speed. Alice ran off as well.

Quil stood there and watched them go. "Guys, this isn't funny. You always do this to me. What's going on?"

The pack heard his pleas; they couldn't abandon a pack member no matter how freaky weird he went. They crept back to where the lost ass-headed boy stood.

Paul snuck in closer to him. "Quil?"

"Yeah?"

"You're… different," he tried.

"What? How?"

"You have a donkey's head for a start."

"Fuck off Paul. This isn't funny. You guys are just teasing me again."

"No," argued Sam. "You do have an ass for a head."

"I don't believe you," Quil argued.

Sam shrugged. "We tried, Paul. Lets get out of here in case it is catching." They ran away and left Quil alone again.

"Fuck you!" he shouted after them.

He stood there for a while. "No mirror. Can't check. I'll just sing. That always makes Claire happy. I'll sing and this freaky stuff will stop happening."

He cleared his throat and launched into a rendition of the Beatles song 'blackbird'.

The noise woke Esme up. She sat up and cocked her head. "Oh, what beautiful singing. I must find whoever sings so well."

She darted through the trees following the sound until she came upon ass-headed Quil singing in their temporary theatre. He had just completed the song when she got there.

"Oh, again... again. Your voice is almost as lovely as your face," she sighed at him. the love ointment had affected her as well.

"Whoa, lady." Quil backed away initially, but then he got a good look at her. He always did have a thing for older women, at least until he had imprinted upon Claire. The Cullen 'mum' was definitely a MILF in Quil's book. Not that she was really old enough to be a MILF. She couldn't be more than 25. "Actually…" He smiled at her. "I'm more known for the great physique than the facial good looks, but if you say I'm handsome, I'll believe you."

"Clever and handsome," Esme noted.

"Not clever enough to escape this wood and this dumbass play," said Quil.

"No, don't leave the wood," she pleaded. "I am here in the forest. I have a beautiful house, with comfortable beds and all the most expensive toys. Porsches to drive. Pretty yellow ones," she bargained.

He looked interested.

"And food…," she added. "I know you boys love your food. I love to cook and none of my family eats my cooking. I'll cook anything you want," she offered.

"Oh now," Quil agreed. "That could be fun." He gave her a knowing look. "Did you say comfortable beds?"

She stroked a well manicured nail down his abs. "Yes. Beds and more toys too."

"Nice," he hummed.

"Children?" she called out.

Within minutes her 'children' arrived. All looking ethereally pale and beautiful; Jasper, Emmett, Tanya and Rosalie. Tanya's hair was uncharacteristically messy.

"Mum?" Emmett said.

"You rang?" from Jasper.

"Take this gorgeous hunk of man flesh home and make him ready for me," Esme ordered.

"Ready?" Rosalie checked.

"Yes, yes," Esme added. "The usual… feed him, let him play the X box, Emmett." She licked up Quil's bicep. "And maybe a bath. He has an odd scent about him."

Jasper grinned at Quil. "That he does," he agreed.

"Introduce yourself," their mother ordered. "I taught you better manners than that."

"Rosalie Hale," she snapped at him in introduction.

"Oh the blonde. I don't know any blonde jokes, but Jake is good with blonde jokes, you should ask him," Quil suggested.

"I don't need any more jokes," she hissed at him.

"No, I guess not," agreed Quil. He turned to Jasper and raised an eyebrow.

"The name is Jasper. Jasper Whitlock."

Quil frowned. "I thought your name was Hale," he said.

"No."

Quil glanced at Rosalie. "So she isn't your sister?"

"No."

Quil elbowed him suddenly. "All right! So she's on the market then."

Emmett growled at him. "She may not be  **his**  sister, but she is  **my**  wife. Emmett Cullen."

"So you  **are**  a Cullen?"

"No a McCarty. That was my family name... before."

"So she's married to you but her name isn't Cullen or McCarty, or have I made a mistake?" Quil asked.

"He's not as dumb as he looks," suggested Jasper.

"He's beautiful," sighed Esme. "Check out those arms."

Quil flexed his bicep for her and she tried to get her hand around it; uttering a squeal of delight when it flexed under her cold fingers.

Tanya watched this all with a bemused expression on her face.

Quil smacked Emmett in the stomach. Who's the other blonde?" he asked.

"Tanya Denali," Emmett replied.

"Not another sister?"

"No. Different family."

"Nice…" Quil stated.

"She's in love with Edward," Emmett added. "But she used to be a succubus. So be careful."

"A suckyour whatsis?" Quil asked.

"A female demon. They appear in your dreams. She can take the form of a human woman in order to seduce men, usually through sexual intercourse. Repeated intercourse with a succubus may result in the deterioration of a man's health or even death," Emmett explained.

"So she  _ **will**_  suck my whatsis?" Quil checked. Tanya smirked.

"Suck the life right out of you," added Jasper.

"Hey, I'm no human you know." Quil flexed  **all**  his muscles now. Rosalie made a small noise that sounded like a whimper. "I'm one hundred percent wolf boy."

Esme stepped in front of him; trying to block him from Tanya's sight. "Take him back to the house," she said. "Go on. All of you."

The all departed the forest. Esme decided to go with them. She didn't like the looks Tanya and Rosalie were giving Quil. Even if he did have the head of an ass he was the burliest wolf boy and had the body of a god.

* * *

**SCENE II Another part of the wood.**

* * *

Carlisle wandered along a forest path. He was talking to himself again. "I wonder if my wife is awake yet. And what manner of fell beast she fell in love with." He chuckled. "Hopefully a skunk. Now that would be funny."

Alice danced along the path towards him.

"Daughter," he greeted her. "Crazy as you are; your abilities bring such amusements to my family. What happened?"

"I saw a play," she told him. "The La Push boys were rehearsing a play for Billy's wedding day. When the lead actor took his exit from one scene, I practiced that new spell and turned his head into an ass."

Carlisle frowned. "You gave him the face of a butt?" he checked.

"No, an ass."

"An arse? A rectum?"

"No," Alice sighed. "A donkey ass. You know hee-haw."

"Oh, I see. The head of a donkey."

"He was so scary, the whole wolf pack ran from him. Although from what he said, they do that a lot to him. No matter," she continued. "And with perfect timing, Esme woke up and fell in love with him."

"So she fell in love with a guy with the head of an ass?"

Alice thought about telling him that he had the body of a god and decided against it. "Yes," she agreed.

"Bwahaha," laughed Carlisle. "I love it! And how did it go with the other two?" He meant Edward and Leah.

Alice of course, understood him to mean Jake and Bella. "I applied the ointment to his eyes only. So that he would love her as much as she already loved him."

There was a noise in the forest. Carlisle peered into the darkness. "Oh, here they come now." He dragged Alice behind a tree to hide.

Edward and Bella walked along the path.

"That's him," Carlisle said.

"No, that's  **her** ," Alice pointed out.

"I love you Bella," Edward pleaded. "Why do you ignore me so? Please my love."

"Give it up! Edward. Holy Crow! Jake is gone and if I find out that you hurt him while he was asleep… so help me Edward I will buy a cigarette lighter and burn you myself!" she threatened. "He would NEVER have left me alone in the forest. And he would  **never**  have left me anywhere near you! What did you do to him? You always look sneaky and underhanded and you look  **really**  guilty now. What did you do, Edward?"

"You do me a great disservice my love. I gave up murdering people decades ago. I am a vegetarian vampire now," he blustered. "You kill me Bella with your accusations and yet I would gladly die if  **you**  can but be my murderer."

"Oh for heaven's sake. I think I'll kill you just so that you shut up!" She stared up at the night sky for a second; calming herself before she spoke again. "What did you do to him Edward?"

"Fed him to the hounds?" he tried.

She folded her arms and glared at him.

"Nothing! I swear! I did nothing!"

She tapped her foot.

"Please love."

"Oh that is **it!**  I have had it with you and your stalkery behaviour and your poncy language. For the last time, I am not 'your love'!"

"He's not dead; I swear he's not dead."

"So where is he?"

"I'll find him for you. What will you give me if I find him? I'm good at tracking. I have wicked vampire skills."

"You are  _hopeless_  at tracking," she corrected him. "And all I want from you is to never see you again." And then she added, "Even if Jake is dead. I don't want  **you**  Edward."

She stormed off.

Edward stood there watching her stomp away.

"I love how bright her cheeks get when she's angry. But fighting with her just wears me out. I think I will have a little lie down." He lay down in the ferns and fell asleep.

Carlisle glared at Alice. "You screwed it up. That was not a man under the influence of the ointment, Alice."

"It's not my fault," she blustered.

"Find Leah and bring her here.  **She's**  the one in love with him, not Bella. Any person in their right mind could see that Bella doesn't love him. I have no idea why he persists in this stupidity." He waved at Alice. "Go. Find Leah. Bring her here and I will apply some more ointment to Edward's eyes."

"I'm on it!" Alice darted away.

Carlisle looked down with an affectionate eye at his first 'child' as he dabbed the ointment on him. "Honestly Edward. I worry about you. How on earth you can complicate your life in such a ridiculous way, I do not understand. And it's un-vampiric to not just kill your 'singer' the minute you see her. Drain her dry like Emmett did. That's what they are for. We are allowed the occasional sin so that we can repent and be forgiven."

Alice came back too quickly to have performed her mission.

"Problem," she hissed. "Leah is nearby, but I put the ointment on Jake and now he is in love with  **her**. He's following her like a puppy. Lord, what fools these mortals be!

"Oh no," said Carlisle. "If they come this way, they'll wake up Edward."

Alice giggled. "And then they will both woo Leah if you have already used the ointment. Unless of course, Edward falls in love with Jake."

Carlisle tilted his head. "You know, I've always wondered… maybe it's the hair."

"It would be completely ridiculous! I love it!" Alice crowed.

"Quick! Hide!" They hid behind the same tree.

Jake and Leah came along the path.

"Look Leah," he argued. "I don't know why it just happened. But it did  _happen_. I adore you. I love you with every fibre of my being. I think I must have imprinted on you when you kicked me so affectionately in the ribs."

Leah snarled at him. "Yesterday you adored Bella Swan with every fibre of your being. With my luck she will show up and you will STILL love her because god knows, she's given you enough reasons to hate her before now and it  **never**  made any difference to you." She turned suddenly and poked him in the chest with a finger. "I bet, with my luck, you would love us  **both**  the same amount."

"I swear, I have forgotten all about her. Bella who?" he tried.

" **You are a freak!**  How can you just dump her like that?" Leah screeched at him.

"It's okay, Edward loves her. He'll marry her and she'll be rich."

Edward woke at the sound of his name. He looked around him with a confused glance and then his eyes fell on Leah.

He leapt to his feet. "Leah!"

" **Eek!"**  she screeched.

"My goddess," Edward sighed, reaching for her hand. "Your eyes are so beautiful. So brown… and your lips? My god, that I ever wasted a touch of those lips." He dragged her hand to his mouth and laid multiple kisses on the back of her hand; starting to work his way over to her wrist.

Leah and Jake both looked at Edward as if he was insane.

Leah growled at him. "You wouldn't let me kiss you, you marble bastard."

Edward started kissing up her wrist.

She snatched her arm back. "Oh this is too much. Is this a joke? Are you just trying to piss Jake off? You told me hours ago that you hated me; you begged me to stop following you around. You two are seriously pissing me off. And you won't like me when I get mad."

"I like you just fine when you're mad," Jake growled. He smacked at Edward. Pushing him away from Leah. "Back off my alpha female, vampire. You're in love with Bella and now I have imprinted on Leah, you can have Bella. Leah and I have to go make some puppies in a night of wild animal sex."

Leah rolled her eyes.

"You can have Bella," argued Edward. "I  **had**  your Leah months go. In the forest, with her hands in the dirt and her ass up in the air."

"Hey," chided Leah. "Too much information."

"What?" Jake demanded. "Leah, tell me he lies."

"I was there first, Jake," Edward argued. "Your 'love' is coming now." He waved off to the side where Bella stumbled and fell into the clearing.

"Why am I forever getting lost in the damn forest? I even dream about getting lost In the forest. I'd low-jack myself if it would help," she grumbled. "and here I am  **again** … lost In the forest In the middle of the night. Fuck my life."

She looked up and saw the other three. Leah slapping at Edward's hands.

"Jake!" Bella squealed. "You're not dead!"

"Of course I'm not dead. Fast healing werewolf." He glanced at Leah to see if she was watching him. "Who are you?" he archly asked Bella.

"What? Did you imprint?" she screeched. "On whom?"

"Leah," Jake breathed; saturated with love.

"NO. It can't be." Bella said. "You've seen her a thousand times. You've even seen her naked when she phased and lost all her clothes that time. It  **can't**  happen now."

"Hey, too much information," Leah argued again.

Leah fought her way away from her ardent admirers. "If this is a joke it isn't funny anymore. And if you're  **in**  on this stupid joke Bella, then I will never forgive you. I thought we had become friends recently. You told me you didn't have any normal girlfriends. Face it, Alice is many things, but normal isn't one of them."

"What? Leah I'm still your friend, but I didn't think friends behaved like this." She waved at the boys to demonstrate. "You seem to have stolen both of my men."

"Oh so they are 'your' men now?" Leah glared at her. "Did you set Jake up to do this? He'd do anything you asked him to. Is this all about pity Leah; the one dumped by Sam who had her heart shattered into a million pieces? Because I have to tell you, this shit is not making me feel better about myself. It's bad enough that I have to have sex with a vampire to have any kind of feeling back. Do you know how self destructive that is?"

"Leah what are you talking about?" Bella looked genuinely confused by Leah's outburst. She glanced at Edward. "You  **are**  having sex with her. I thought Jake might have been lying." She blinked rapidly.

"Oh no Swan, don't cry on me," Leah said. "Guys, give it up. It's really  **not**  funny!" she backed away from them all.

"Leah, stay with me," Jake pleaded. "Please. You are my life, the other half of my beating heart. My Imprint."

"Oh excellent!" Leah swore.

"She is  **not**  your imprint," Bella spat at him.

"I can make you stay," argued Edward. "I can make you do things, can't I Leah?"

"You can't make her do anything," Jake argued. "She's my alpha female. She is my mate."

"I love you Leah, more than he does," Edward pointed at Jake.

"If you love her so much, then you want her to be happy with  **me** ," argued Jake.

"Come with me Leah," Edward begged.

"Jake what is going on?" Bella asked him.

"Go away," he snarled at her.

"He's the one who is leaving," Edward argued. "You are a dog, follow commands; Go. Fetch," he ordered. Jake ignored him.

Bella clutched at Jake's arm. "Jake?" she pleaded.

"Let go of me."

"Jake are you joking?" Bella asked.

"That's what I reckon," pointed out Leah. "It's just too weird."

Bella was still clinging to Jake's arm.

"Let's make a deal Edward," Jake offered.

Edward grunted at him. "You're a weak man. I don't trust your word. So weak you can't even make  _her_  let you go."

Jake looked down at Bella. "Do you want me to kill her? I hate her, but I won't kill her for you.  **I**  have a soul," he argued; a pointed jab at Edward who always worried about the dark patches on his soul.

"You h-hate me?" Bella looked shattered. "You don't hate me. We are Jake and Bells… Bells and Jake. You remember? You've loved me since you were four years old and we were building sandcastles on the beach together. You have almost sacrificed everything for me. Even risked your life. You saved me from drowning Jake. You love me. You told me you would love me until my heart stopped beating," she whispered. "And it all changes tonight?"

"Yep. Weird huh?" Leah agreed.

Jake looked serious. "I love Leah and I hate you, Bella."

"How d this happened? It must be magic or some vampire skill? Are the Volturi here? What's the name of that one who can break relationships? Isn't there one who can do that?" Bella blustered.

"Look Bella," Leah argued. "This has gone way beyond a joke. You can give up the damaged act now. It's Jake; we all  _know_  he's nuts about you."

"This is  **not**  a joke Leah. I am not joking. In fact, I don't find this funny at all either!" Bella screeched. Her eyes narrowed at Leah. "It's  **you**. You've done something. Just because you are taller and more beautiful than me. And so graceful and physical. And I just fall over all the time and hurt myself. You think you can lord it over me? I'll scratch your eyes out!" She threw herself at Leah's face; raking at her with her nails.

"I can't fight her!" Leah argued. "I'll snap her in half. She's such a skinny little twig. Boys, help me stop her, but don't hurt her. She has gone insane." She pushed Bella away easily when she threw herself at her. "Fucks sake, Swan. We used to be friends. Okay, okay I admit it. I told Edward you were meeting Jake in the forest. I was jealous. But Edward made it very plain that he didn't love me. He even threatened to hit me. So now I'm leaving and  **you**  are staying here."

"I am  **not** ," Bella argued.

"You'll be safe with him, he won't hit  _you_ ," Leah said.

"Who won't?" Bella asked.

"Edward. I'm leaving you here with Edward and my heart." Leah looked wistful. "He always has my heart."

"We won't let Bella hurt you," Jake assured Leah.

Leah added, "She's little, but fiery."

"Enough with the height jokes," Bella said. "Let me at her." Jake held her easily.

"Look  **little**  girl," Jake said. "Maybe you should go. You're starting to get really annoying."

"Leave her alone," argued Edward. "That is no way to treat a lady." He looked superior. "I would hope that you would never speak to Leah like that."

Leah rolled her eyes. "Look, the only solution is for you two to leave."

The guys glanced at each other.

"Together and at the same time," Leah added. "It's what I want," she added with a flutter of her enormous eyelashes. That convinced them.

"Follow me, Edward," Jake suggested.

"I don't think so, dog. We walk together," Edward replied.

The girls watched them leave shoulder jostling each other as they went.

Leah turned to walk away.

"No Leah! Don't go. We need to sort this out," Bella argued.

Leah backed away from her. "I've had enough for today. Honestly Swan. And all  _you_  want to do is scratch my eyes out." She turned and jogged away.

Bella looked around but not knowing where she was, she just followed Leah.

Once they were all gone, Carlisle and Alice stepped out of their hiding place.

"Did you plan all this Alice? I know you love a good joke?"

"Hey. If you make vague orders how am I supposed to know? Why didn't you just say 'use the ointment on Edward', huh?"

"The boys will probably fight. There is no way those two can be together and not be tearing at each other within minutes. We need cover and confusion."

"More confusion?" checked Alice.

"Fog. We need a really good pea souper fog. So they all get lost and then they can't fight," Carlisle suggested.

"Fog," Alice agreed. She started waving her hands; weaving the spell.

"You did make the antidote too? You foresaw the need for it?" Carlisle asked.

She nodded and handed him a bottle of eye drops.

He looked at it. "Visine gets the red out. Yes, I suppose it would. You have more?"

She nodded.

He straightened his shoulders. "We will apply these drops to all, so that their vision will be clean and true. With luck they will all think they have had a bad dream. Ate some off salmon or something. If we get them before they all leave the forest, no one else needs to know what has happened."

"Esme?" Alice asked without ceasing her fog weaving.

"Fine," Carlisle huffed. "I'll clear her sight too. But I still want Nahuel. He has the cutest ass."

"Hurry, the dawn is coming."

"Indeed. Much to do and so little time." He dashed away.

The fog was almost impenetrable now.

Alice tilted her head and listened. She could hear someone approaching. It was Jake.

"Edward? Where the fuck are you? Have you snuck back to mack on Leah?"

Alice called out in Edward's voice, "Over here Jacob." Jacob followed the noise.

She darted back just as Edward entered the clearing. "Jacob? Did you call me? Come out and fight you coward."

"Bad boy, Edward," Alice said. "You need to be spanked. You can't fight to save your life. But as my brother, I would protect you if Jake did attack you. Follow," she called.

"Alice?" he followed her.

Jake wandered back into the clearing. "I know I heard his voice and his scent is here. If he jumps out at me I am taking him down." He yawned suddenly. "Man. I am so tired. I'll attack Edward in a minute." He lay down on the ground. "I just need a nap first." His eyes closed and he started snoring.

"This way Edward," Alice led him by the hand back into the clearing where Jake slumbered.

"Alice," whined Edward. "I am tired of these games. And lord knows why, but I feel the need to sleep which is odd because vampires don't sleep."

"It's okay Edward. You lie down here for a little minute."

Edward obediently lay down and closed his eyes.

Leah stomped into the clearing. "God. I am so angry with them  **all**  and their stupid jokes that I swear I am walking around in circles. I am going to have to just sit and get my bearings. If the damn pack hears that I got lost in my own damn forest, I'll never hear the end of it." She lay down, curled herself up and fell asleep.

Alice looked at them. "Only three. Don't tell me Bella is lost again." She uttered a small lady like snort.

She heard crashing in the undergrowth. "Ah here she is."

She recited:

' _Here she comes, curst and sad:—_

_Cupid is a knavish lad,_

_Thus to make poor females mad.'_

"Poor Bella," Alice sighed. "What is it about her and the attraction of the supernatural? It is the oddest thing. James, Victoria, Edward, Jake, and Aro. Even half the wolf pack is in love with her."

Bella fell over and picked herself up again; dusting at her hands. "Oh, that is it! I am so tired and I can't see. I don't know why I keep trying. I should just let Jake and Edward fight it out. But I hate seeing either of them hurt. Edward promised that he would stand aside if I chose Jake and he's being a complete ass about it."

She dropped to the ground where she had stood and fell asleep.

"Now I have the complete set," Alice crowed. She snuck around their sleeping bodies and applied the drops to the boy's eyes.

She recited:

_When thou wak'st,_

_Thou tak'st_

_True delight_

_In the sight_

_Of thy former lady's eye:_

_And the country proverb known,_

_That every man should take his own,_

_In your waking shall be shown:_

_Jack shall have Jill;_

_Nought shall go ill;_

_The man shall have his mare again, and all shall be well._

"Well," she said. "If that isn't talking about sex, I don't know what is. All the 'taking' and 'having' and 'riding of mares'. My goodness Shakespeare."

[AN: Puck is known for breaking out of the play and talking to the audience… so it's okay if Alice does it too.]

FF_2154210_ - 23/12/2011 04:15:00 AM


	4. Act 4

**ACT IV**

_Disclaimer: the characters and all recognisable situations belong to Stephenie Meyer or William Shakespeare - this is a work of fan fiction, except for the legends and histories of the Quileute that, of course, belong to them. I pay my respects to their gods._

_Thanks to BanSidhe [ruadh sidhe] and Feebes86 for betaing and pre-reading._

* * *

**SCENE I - The Wood aka the back yard of the Cullens' house**

Esme holding donkey-headed Quil's hand led him to their outdoor entertaining area. Carlisle watched in hiding from the forest.

"Sit here. Just here below me so that I may stroke your long furry ears," she cooed at him.

He happily sat at her feet. She had well and truly looked after him, his stomach was full after a more than satisfying romp in her big (and yes comfortable too) bed. Nor did he lack for companions during that romp.

"Rosalie," he asked. "Scratch my head." She glanced at her mother but did so.

"Tanya?" Quil asked. "Can you go kill me something to eat. I want fresh meat… no I don't… I want something sweet."

"Oh… I." She looked down at her gorgeous gown; it would be ruined. She shrugged. "Alice will have something else to fit me surely." She stood there uncertainly.

"Emmett do you have a razor?" Quil asked. "Do vampires shave? Is there a vampire with an untrimmed beard out there? How does that work? You have whatever you had when you were turned? What if you had a really bad zit on your forehead, would you go through eternity with a gigantic weeping zit? You can't all be skinny and beautiful. Where are the ugly, overweight unshaven vamps?"

No one really answered the questions.

"Music. My love?" Esme asked him.

"I like tong and bones," Quil said. "It's a new band."

"You wanted something to eat, my sweet love?" Esme crooned.

"I could eat you, baby. But…" he stopped and looked confused. "Oats or hay. I have the weirdest desire to eat some nice sweet hay."

Esme was untroubled by his odd response. "Nuts are sweet. Tanya could find you a squirrel's nest of dry nuts." Tanya didn't look pleased by that suggestion.

Quil yawned. "Maybe… but right now I think I need a nap. You guys have all worn me out."

Esme shifted so that his enormous head lay in her lap. "Sleep and you will be safe in my arms," she crooned to him. She waved her hand imperiously at her attending family. "I wish to sleep with my love, begone."

Rosalie pulled Tanya away and whispered in her ear, "Do you think his dick is normally that big or was that changed with the other equine parts?"

"I heard that!" Emmett snarked.

Tanya giggled and Jasper just gave his laconic half smile.

They left Esme with her eyes closed, folded down, resting her cheek on the back of her slumbering lover.

Alice and Carlisle crept in from opposite sides.

"Alice. I phoned Esme," he confessed. "She said I could have Nahuel and she ordered him to wait for me at the stone cottage. This magic is wrong; it makes me feel sorry for misleading her so. And look at what she is sleeping with!" He gestured at Quil's muscular body. "Her eyes may see imperfectly, but there is nothing wrong with her hands."

Alice shrugged.

"We must undo this eye effect ointment. And remove the donkey's head from this ass so that she may see what he truly is." He sniffed at him. "Wet dog? Is he a werewolf?"

Alice nodded. "My visions get clouded by their presence. You know that."

Carlisle nodded. He looked at the two sleeping. He dropped the eye cleanser on her eyes and said, "Love who you want my wife; that is what makes me happy."

He waited for a minute and then Esme blinked. She sat up.

"Carlisle," she greeted him. "I had the strangest dream, I fell I love with a donkey. No," she frowned. "Maybe he was just hung like one."

Carlisle gestured at the snoring Quil; still with the ass's head. "Like this one? This one is hung like a wolf, I believe?"

"Ewww," said Esme. "He's not my type at all. I like them pale and sickly looking. He's way too healthy and full of life." She scrambled to her feet.

"Alice?" asked Carlisle.

She cast her spell of removal and Quil's face was now his own. "When you wake you will see with your own foolish eyes," she whispered into his ear.

"Music!" Esme cried. "We were going to a party weren't we?"

"That is tomorrow night, my love, Billy's wedding. But we can have a party of our own today." Carlisle's love for his wife had been rejuvenated by the sight of her in another man's arms. Even if he did have the head of an ass.

"Do you think it will be a double wedding?" Esme asked. "I know Edward is very keen on a girl,  **finally**. I was almost about to give up hope for the boy."

"The sun is rising," warned Alice. "The night is passed."

Carlisle reached for Esme's hand. "Take me to your bed, darling and I will tell you the story of how you came to be here asleep when we all know vampires do not sleep."

"I do miss you Carlisle. You are more my life companion these days. But I do so enjoy our little get-togethers." Carlisle kissed up her arm and led her towards the house. Quil slumbered on.

* * *

**The forest where the four sleep**

Billy had acquired a second hand quad bike. Jake had repaired it for him and he rode it now through the forest with Tiffany in the driver's seat. Charlie followed on a trail bike he had also found in Jake's garage. A nice bright red one.

[AN: need some way to get a wheelchair bound man into the forest.]

"Sam, we need to find Sam," Billy cried out.

"Why Sam?" asked Charlie.

"He's… our forester," suggested Billy.

"Sam's the ranger?"

"Kind of."

They heard howling in the distance.

"Hark," Billy cried, "I hear my hounds."

Charlie looked worried. "Hounds? Those sounded like wolves to me."

"Come on Tiffany, take me up high into the mountains. The places I haven't been to or hunted in for years."

"Its been a while for me too," she admitted.

"Whoa bodies," Billy said. He had seen the sleeping forms of the four. "Are they dead?"

Charlie bent over them. "I hope not; this is Bella. That's Jake and here lie Edward and Leah. What on earth are they all doing here and all so soundly asleep?"

"Some secret pre-dawn forest meeting? You know what the kids of today are like. No… what do they call it; a 'rave'?"

"With four people?" Charlie queried.

"Oh isn't her time up today?" Billy asked.

"Whose time?" Charlie checked.

"Bella's, to make her decision," Billy said. "Blow the horn Tiffany, that'll wake them up."

She let out a blast on the horn of the quad bike. The startled four woke and sat up.

"You lot are sprung," Charlie stated. "Out copulating in the woods huh?" he looked at Billy. "What do they call it these days?"

"Dogging?" suggested Tiffany. Both men looked at her. "What?"

"Jeez Dad," Jake argued. "Will you give up trying to get down with the kids."

"So what are you doing here and with him?" Billy asked. He pointed at Edward. "I've heard of the lion lying down with the lamb, but the werewolf with the vampire is just sick and wrong."

Jake scratched at his head. "I don't remember." He looked at the others. "Do you remember?"

They all shook their heads.

"The last thing I remember was meeting Bella in the forest." His head dropped. "We were going to run away together and get married." He reached out a long arm and pulled Bella in against his side; tucking her under his arm protectively.

"What?" interrupted Charlie. "Elope? With my daughter! What about her fiancée." He pointed at Edward.

"I came here with Leah," Edward explained. "She told me about their plans to elope, but then she wouldn't leave me alone." He looked at Bella. "But oddly, whatever love I felt for Bella, is gone. And I know that I used to adore her… but now…" He shook his head. "I have no problem with her marrying Jake if  **he**  is her choice." He looked at Leah. "Now I know, there is one to whom I  _should_  have made the offer of marriage. I was such a fool, Leah. I know I told you we would be together, before I ever even met Isabella Swan. And it was wrong of me to break that promise to you. Do you forgive me?"

"Yes Edward. I forgive you and I love you too." She kissed him.

"Well," said Billy. "That seems to have worked out okay. Why don't we make it a triple wedding." He gave a second look at Leah with her arms around a vampire. He frowned, especially after his big speech about sick and wrong. Presumably the wolf gods knew what they were doing. "Come on Tiffany start up that bike. Charlie you good to follow?" He looked at the four standing there; half awake. "I'll see you lot in the tribal meeting hall for the ceremony."

Charlie still looked confused as to what had happened. He glared at his daughter. "We'll talk later kiddo." He hopped on his trail bike and followed Billy out of the forest.

"I don't sleep," said Edward. "Why was I asleep? And am I still dreaming? I think I just proposed marriage to a werewolf."

"And you let me go so easily, that  **is**  like a wish granted," noted Bella. "My vision is clear now. I can only see Jacob."

"Edward sparkles like a jewel," Leah crooned at him. "So pretty."

"So we are awake," checked Edward. "Didn't Billy just tell us to follow him?"

"Yes, and Charlie was there too," Bella noted.

"And Tiffany Call," noted Leah. "Driving a quad bike."

"He told us to meet him at the tribal hall," Jake added.

"We can walk together and compare notes on our dreams," suggested Edward, taking Leah's hand.

They all walked off together.

**Meanwhile**

Quil woke up on the Cullens' back lawn.

"I'm awake," he cried out the way he normally did in pack meetings when he fell asleep. He looked around him. "Sam? When's my cue?"

He rolled over and stood up; hitching his cut-offs up at the back. "I had the strangest dream," he said aloud. "I thought I had sex with… yeah… and had the head of a donkey… and did strange things with strange people who smelt sweet and kind of dead at the same time… but the busty blonde was all right… names… why can't I remember properly. It all just fades away when I try to concentrate on it."

He shrugged. "Maybe that's a good thing. Who wants to remember nasty stuff?"

"Whoa, I had better get back to the rez before the celebrations start. I am the lead in the play. They can't do Pyramus and Thisbe without Pyramus." He jogged off into the forest.

* * *

**SCENE II Athens - A Room in QUINCE'S House aka Sam's living room**

"Any one seen Quil?" Sam asked. "Did you go by his house?"

Jared said, "He's not there now and he didn't come home last night. Was he kidnapped by aliens?"

Embry frowned. "Too much X files Jared. We can't really do the play without him, Sam," he suggested hopefully.

"No, his grandfather was most insistent that he play the lead. No substitutions."

"He gets himself into some trouble. Gosh knows where he is," Embry added.

Seth came in the door without knocking. "The gossip is that the wedding is now a triple wedding. Dammit. If we had been hanging around instead of practising this stupid play, we might have got girls too. Something weird happened last night I reckon."

"Oh, poor Quil," Embry sympathised. "He's missing out again. Do we get paid for this? Quil would be here if we were getting paid."

"I  **am**  here," Quil announced as he sauntered in the door.

"Finally," Sam sighed. "Where have you been?"

"I could tell you," Quil suggested. "But I'm not sure you would believe me."

Sam waited. "And…" he prompted.

Quil held up a hand. "It'll wait… right now Billy is raring to get married. So we need to put on a good show. Brush our teeth, put on clean clothes, get Embry, our Thisbe, a clean dress and no one eat any garlic for fuck's sake. The last amateur night Jared nearly killed the whole front row. Seth did you cut your nails? We can't have the lion having claws that scary."

They all headed off to do as Quil ordered. Sam frowned. Why were they all doing what Quil wanted?

FF_2154210_ - 24/12/2011 04:21:00 AM


	5. Act 5

**ACT V**

_Disclaimer: the characters and all recognisable situations belong to Stephenie Meyer or William Shakespeare - this is a work of fan fiction, except for the legends and histories of the Quileute that, of course, belong to them. I pay my respects to their gods._

_Thanks to BanSidhe [ruadh sidhe] and Feebes86 for betaing and pre-reading._

* * *

**SCENE I – Athens - An Apartment in the Palace of THESEUS. Aka The La Push tribal council hall**

[Enter THESEUS (Billy), HIPPOLYTA (Tiffany), PHILOSTRATE (Old Quil), Lords, and Attendants.]

Tiffany spoke to Billy, "That is officially the weirdest story I have ever heard for why those four were in the forest. It  **has**  to be the truth; they would have made up a better lie."

"You might be right," Billy responded. "I have seen and heard some bizarre stuff in my time. Especially when old Quil gets into the mushroom tea. But that story is beyond anything I think they could have made up. And speaking of, here they come now."

The four youths entered the tribal hall. Jake and Bella held hands and Edward's arm was over Leah's shoulders.

Tiffany watched them. "And they way that they have all changed their mind. Edward adores Leah now; you can see it in the way he keeps touching her. Jake and Bells look the same but the difference in the other two is magic."

"Hello young lovers," Billy called out to them.

"Hey Dad," Jake replied. "Nice ceremony. What happens now?"

"I asked old Quil to organise some entertainment. He promised me he could fill three hours."

"Three hours?" repeated Jake. "Great." He didn't sound enthusiastic. He was hoping to rush his new bride off to bed.

"Old Quil?" called Billy.

"Here, Chief."

"Can't wait to see how you will fill three hours, old man," Billy said.

Old Quil handed him a list.

Billy read aloud, "'the battle of the centaurs' sung by Collin with accompaniment by Brady on the electric guitar.' Hmmm I promised Tiffany no songs about death or dying today. What else? 'A debate on university funding levels; are we dumbing down our learning institutions?' A valid point, but a little inappropriate for a wedding, don't you think? What else? 'The short and tragic love of Pyramus and Thisbe.' How short?" he asked.

Old Quil replied, "The play has but ten lines. Some argue that is ten lines too many. Perhaps ten words would be less of a strain for the wolf-pack. But it will be tragic," he assured Billy. "Both because of the content and the delivery. I just watched the dress rehearsal and I cried."

"The wolf pack is performing it?" Billy checked.

"I thought it was a good idea to give them a more well-rounded education," old Quil argued. "They are very good at killing things but this will show how well they can really co operate." He paused. "And Embry plays Thisbe," he added.

"Oh this I have to see," Billy said.

"Are you sure?" old Quil checked. "I did cry at the rehearsal but it was not tears from the tragedy."

"I want to see the play," Billy ordered.

Old Quil rolled his eyes and shambled away.

"Are you sure you put the right man in charge of entertainment?" Tiffany asked him.

"It will be entertaining, of that I have no doubt," Billy said.

"He said they were awful actors, didn't he?" she checked.

"Yes, in as many words. So we should let them perform and applaud their attempt."

Old Quil made his way onto the stage. Silence fell. Small crowd noises of people shuffling in their seats and clearing their throats. "The prologue," he said.

"Begin," Billy ordered in a ponderous tone.

Sam approached the centre of the stage. "Ahhh just a warning. A little speech before hand. We haven't tried something like this before. So if we are no good at it tell us and we won't do it again. Oh, and don't try this at home."

"Excellent idea," said Billy.

"He only speaks the truth," said Jake. Bella cuddled down into his lap.

"Indeed," agreed Tiffany.

"He didn't make a lot of sense, really," Billy added.

The players entered the stage. Embry in a dress, they shuffled on, looking self conscious and a little embarrassed. Seth was wearing the headdress of a lion. Jared had a round piece of card covered in aluminium foil and was the moon. Paul looked like Paul and was the wall. Quil had a helmet on of some kind and a sword belted at his waist, as the hero Pyramus.

Sam introduced them, "Our players are Pyramus…" Quil bowed. Claire giggled in the front row and he winked at her. "Thisbe…" Embry curtseyed. Everyone snickered. "The wall," Paul stepped forward and smacked his abs. 'Hard as a rock,' he mouthed at the swooning girls up the back. "The moon," Sam continued as Jared wobbled from side to side in greeting; he couldn't bend in the middle. "And the lion," Sam finished. Seth raised his hands into claws and made a rawwwr noise. Small children squealed in delight.

"Does the lion have any lines?" asked Billy.

"If an ass can speak," Edward said. "I don't see why a lion cannot recite."

Paul stepped forward and stood in the middle of the stage. "I am the wall," he stated. "The wall that divided the houses of Pyramus and Thisbe. They deliver words of love to each other through a hole. A hole that does not allow them to meet, only to whisper." He gave his best sad eyes and the girls swooned.

"They need to repair their holes more often," Billy noted. "A bit of spakfilla would fix that right up."

"That is the sluttiest wall I have ever seen," Edward noted. Leah snorted in his lap.

"Shush," Billy chided him. "I want to hear Quil's lines."

Quil stepped confidently onto the stage with his helmet on and a sword tied at his waist.

' _O grim-look'd night! O night with hue so black!_

_O night, which ever art when day is not!_

_O night, O night, alack, alack, alack,_

_I fear my Thisbe's promise is forgot!—_

_And thou, O wall, O sweet, O lovely wall,_

_That stand'st between her father's ground and mine;_

_Thou wall, O wall, O sweet and lovely wall,_

_Show me thy chink, to blink through with mine eyne.'_

Paul, the wall, held up his finger and thumb to make a circle.

Quil continued:

' _Thanks, courteous wall: Jove shield thee well for this!_

_But what see what see I? No Thisbe do I see._

_O wicked wall, through whom I see no bliss,_

_Curs'd be thy stones for thus deceiving me!_ '

"I can't understand a word," complained Billy. "Why is the wall cursing?"

"Fine," Quil huffed from on stage. "I'll translate for you."

He continued with a look through the hole in the wall.

'Thisbe should be entering now. Oh! She's coming!'

Embry entered onstage. He had bright red lipstick on now.

"Oh wall," he/she wailed. "Often have you heard my moans…"

Paul raised both eyebrows and snickered.

"You part my Pyramus and me," Embry continued. "My cherry lips have often kissed your stones."

"I hear her," Quil acted. "My Thisbe… can I see her face?" he pressed his eye up to the hole. "Thisbe!" he called out.

"My love. You are my love, I think," Embry replied.

"I am," agreed Quil. "I am your Limander who swims the river to be with you every night."

"Leander," Seth stage whispered from the side. "Not Limander, Leander, Shakespeare got it wrong."

" **Seth**!" the whole pack complained.

Embry continued, "And I like Helen the fates will kill"

"As Shafalus loved his Procrus, so I love you," Quil added.

"Cephalus husband of Procris," Seth corrected again.

" **Seth!** " the rest of the pack hissed.

"Kiss me through the hole of this vile wall," Quil quoted.

The wall frowned.

"I kiss the wall's hole, not your lips at all," Embry moaned.

The wall looked very uncomfortable now.

"Meet me at Ninny's tomb," Quil suggested.

"Ninus's," Seth corrected again. Sam smacked him up the back of the head.

"I will meet you now; I go immediately," Embry said.

"That's it for me," said the wall. "So I'm going now." The wall moved off stage.

"Now they have a neighbourhood dispute," Billy joked. "The wall between their houses is gone."

"They are probably better off without a wall like that one, with ears," Edward stated.

"This play is dumb," said Tiffany.

"They are what they are," Billy argued. "But it requires some imagination."

"More than I possess," she suggested.

"Oh look, the moon and the lion enter," Billy noted. "What a noble beast." The lion's head dress was somewhat rumpled after being smacked.

"Quil says I should warn you all that I am not really a lion… Just in case," Seth stated. "Wouldn't want to frighten anyone."

"A gentle beast," Billy noted.

"The best lion that I have met," Edward said. Jake gave him a look. He remembered Edward saying that his favourite food was lion; mountain lion.

"He's sneaky though," Jake suggested just in case Edward decided to eat Seth.

"Yes, but he looks like a right goose," Billy added. "Shh… the moon is speaking."

Jared, the moon held up a kerosene lamp "This is the moon."

"Not a crescent moon then," pointed out Edward.

"The light is the moon and I am the man in the moon," Jared explained. He chuckled at his own joke.

"Well if the lamp is the moon, then he isn't 'in' it, now is he," Billy pointed out.

"I wish the moon would change," Tiffany said and then she realised she had made a joke and chuckled, too.

"Go on, Jared," Jake encouraged over the heckling.

"All I have to say is to tell you that the light is the moon, the bush is a bush and the dog is my dog." Everyone looked at the dog that had strayed onto the stage.

"Shush," Edward chided. "Here comes the lovely Thisbe."

"This is old Ninny's tomb," she looked around dramatically; a hand held to her eyes. "But where is my love?"

"Rawwr!" the lion, Seth leapt out at her. She squealed and ran off stage.

"Well roared lion," Edward called out. "You sounded almost real." Jake frowned at him again.

"Well run Thisbe in that dress," Billy added.

"Well shone moon," Tiffany added. The moon smiled at her.

The lion tore up the veil Thisbe had dropped and then bounded off stage.

"He killed the veil well," noted Billy. "He'd make a good mouser."

"Here comes the hero," Edward noted.

Pyramus entered.

' _Sweet moon, I thank thee for thy sunny beams;_

_I thank thee, moon, for shining now so bright:_

_For, by thy gracious golden, glittering streams,_

_I trust to take of truest Thisbe's sight.'_

"Sunny beams?" Edward snarked. "It's a moon, not a sun."

Jake frowned at him again. Bella always called him 'her sun'.

Quil swooped on the dropped and bitten veil. He saw the blood from the lion's mouth. He wailed, he called on the three fates that had cut the life thread of his lover.

Billy said, "He almost looks like he's crying."

"I pity him," added Tiffany without explaining what she pitied him for.

Quil acted on; bemoaning the loss of his beautiful Thisbe he then pulled out his sword and stabbed himself dramatically.

' _Where heart doth hop:—_

_Thus die I, thus, thus, thus._

_Now am I dead,_

_Now am I fled;_

_My soul is in the sky:_

_Tongue, lose thy light!_

_Moon, take thy flight!_

_Now die, die, die, die, die.'_

The moon wandered off after Pyramus died.

"Well," said Edward, "he loses."

"Yes," agreed Jake. "He's dead. He is _nothing_." He reminded Edward of his own living dead state. Bella smacked his hand to behave himself.

"A good surgeon could fix him, surely," Billy argued. "He might recover to be an ass again."

Quil opened one eye to glare at him. Did he know about the ass head thing?

"But if the moon is gone," noted Tiffany. "How will Thisbe see him?"

"Starlight?" suggested Billy.

Thisbe entered and the audience hushed.

"Oh dear," said Tiffany.

"She's spotted him already," whispered Billy.

Embry moaned. "He is asleep. No  **dead**. My love is dead. A tomb,

' _Must cover thy sweet eyes._

_These lily lips,_

_This cherry nose,_

_These yellow cowslip cheeks,_

_Are gone, are gone:_

_Lovers, make moan!_

_His eyes were green as leeks.'_

"What is with the colours?" Edward interrupted. "Green as leeks?"

"Shush," Jake hissed at him.

Thisbe grabbed his fallen sword and with much wailing and more railing against the fates, she plunged the blade into her breast. And died, almost as dramatically as Quil had.

' _Thus Thisbe ends;_

_Adieu, adieu, adieu.'_

She/he collapsed on top of the body of her fallen lover.

"So the moon and the lion bury the dead?" asked Billy.

"Don't forget the wall," added Edward.

Quil and Embry leapt to their feet and took the applause and bows. The others shuffled onstage to take their bows as well.

"More?" asked Quil.

"Oh, no thank you," Billy said. "No need. Everyone is dead anyway. Except for the author maybe, who ought to be." He applauded. "Well done pack, well done. I for one, am off to bed. The night is over for me. The young ones, have I think, organised a dance of some sort if people wish to stay for that."

With much kissing and hugging, he and Tiffany left the hall to the people who partied on into the night.

* * *

**SCENE II**

Alice was sweeping up the plastic cups, paper streamers and debris left after the dance.

" _Now the hungry lion roars,_

_And the wolf behowls the moon._

_It is late, that time_

_that the fairies run before the light."_

The door banged open and the Cullens entered. Alice rolled her eyes.

"You're late," she hissed at them. "You've missed the whole party."

"Oh," said Carlisle. "The lights were still on. And there are enough of us to hold our own party."

"Yes," Esme agreed. "Late or not, we brought presents and our mere presence is a blessing, you know. And as if any of the newly wedded are asleep yet." She winked at Alice. "And I brought a blessing for them all so that none of their children will be ugly or scarred because that would just be awful. Assuming Leah and Edward can have children. Oh my… I should ask Carlisle about that."

There were times when Alice wondered about her mother. "Awful?" she checked.

"To be scarred and unattractive would be  _awful_ ," she tried to explain.

Alice opened her mouth to argue but she saw Jasper shake his head. She smiled at him. Her mother scampered off to place her present on the table with the other gifts.

Rosalie and Emmett were slow dancing without music. Tanya looked at Jasper who held his hand out to her in an invitation and they too, stepped onto the dance floor.

Alice watched them.

Then she studied her father.

"Well," she said. "We made a bit of a mess but I think it is all fixed now. And better than it was. And with luck, they will all think of it as just a dream."

"Yes," he agreed. "All's well that ends well… no wait… wrong play," he said.

She and her father spun onto the dance floor and Esme clapped her hands in glee.

"I am glad we are all friends again," Alice whispered to him as he spun her around.

 

* * *

 

**[AN: And that dear readers, is where Shakespeare and I will leave them; imagining it was all a fantastic dream.]**

FF_2154210_ - 25/12/2011 03:14:00 AM

**Author's Note:**

> Posted Dec 26, 2011 on fanfiction.net


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